Tuesday, May 21, 2013
I've spent the majority of my life hating being a woman. I hate the way men think about women. I hate the way they treat women. Really, I hate people altogether and the majority of my life I've just wanted my life here to end because I hate feelings. I hate feeling like I've upset someone and then I end up hating myself because of my actions. I am a good person so why do I hate myself so much? And why do I look to my partners for validation? Why do I put satisfaction on sexual gratification? Why do I turn into a "dog" personality when I'm in a relationship?
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
moms need to be listened to also
I just needed a place to vent, facebook is too in your face and people don't seem to just allow you to vent and be angry. I love that about it, and I'm always full of great insightful advice for everyone else, but when it comes to my own life, I can see what I need to do, but I feel as though I am unable to actually do.
I'm so frustrated, I am an incredibly talented, intelligent woman who cares about others so much that I often neglect myself and then everyone else suffers for it.
I'm a stay at home mom. I've been to school, I graduated with an Associates in Visual Communication from ITT-Tech, I was always helpful to my fellow classmates, I was loved by them... possibly even fears sometimes... but at home, I'm just a stupid mom who says something, then says it again a few minutes later, then starts screaming that nobody is listening to me, then a full on temper tantrum. And I'm not the only parent around either. My 'husband' is sitting either in front of the tv or the computer because his extremely physically demanding job and long commute render him completely useless once he gets home. So there I am, trying to get dinner made, which is always a chore because I'm no mind reader and my 'husband' has certain expectations of what is going to be made for dinner, how it is prepared, when it is cooked and if it is grilled or baked, or fried... So picky in fact that I learned early on to just burn the damn food and be done with trying to please. Now it's gotten so bad that when we go shopping, he picks out all the meat, decides right there what he wants to eat for the week and has an idea of sides and how he wants to prepare it... none of which he readily shares with me, and if he does share the ideas with me, I often forget them because I have other things constantly fighting for my attention.
So here we are, August 22, 2012, a notice was placed on our door for us to either pay the full amount of rent that is due to get us current of get the fuck out with in 3 days. The full amount is $2,299. That isn't even including the water bill. Xcel came by today to turn the power off, which is at $425.75 with only 340.05 due right now, and we have not had gas for about 2 weeks. Internet and home phone bill was due yesterday at 148.59 which I was able to talk into keeping on until next week when it will inevitably be shut off.
Those are the bills. We spend about 400 every two weeks on food. Gas getting to work and back and around town is roughly between 20-40$ to fill up every 3 days.
How is it, that we can not pay any bill on time, nor make a payment, nor keep a payment arrangement to keep from getting shut off? He makes all the money because we have one child who stays at home with me, while I watch his youngest sister's child while she goes to work. for free.
We both got jobs at the same time, mine wasn't supposed to start until the 20th of Aug... Had I had childcare arrangements and a car to get to and from work by 7:45am for the next 2 months, I wouldn't be in this position, but I didn't have childcare nor do I have a car. I can't help but feel frustrated that when (before kids) I had my own place I was working and paying rent and making a car payment and insurance, and still had money left over to eat and drink for fun. Now that I am a 'responsible' adult with chidren who depend on me, and a husband who works a back breaking job to make $35/hr roughly 800$ per week.. yep, per week.. no real excuse as to why not one bill can be paid in full when it is due but instead it is forgotten about, no money doned upon it so that it doesn't reach unsurmountable proportions...
I've tried getting at home jobs, but since he over drew my bank account that I had maintained with no problems for the past 3 years, then refused to pay off resulting in an outrageous overdraft fee totalling over 400$... I am unable to get a new bank account.
I tried convincing him that I should be in control of the money, and at one point he said sure, but me giving him $100 a week was not enough spending money for him,
Me, I'm an artist, got my degree so I could do freelance work from home... nope.. the market for that is so demanding and I have such a small portfolio that no one wants to give me any work. So I work seasonal jobs, where I can work after he gets home.. I ride the bus or walk, sometimes ride a bike when the tires are full... and it's good.. not so stressful. But this last month, no work, no money, everything is due.. and no money for anyone. Now I have to figure out how I am going to keep my child clean with no hot water, wash dishes and cloths with no hot water, and maintain my sanity with 2 four year olds who are growing and hungry.
I hear these ads on the radio.. no child should be made to go hungry.. yet
I'm so frustrated, I am an incredibly talented, intelligent woman who cares about others so much that I often neglect myself and then everyone else suffers for it.
I'm a stay at home mom. I've been to school, I graduated with an Associates in Visual Communication from ITT-Tech, I was always helpful to my fellow classmates, I was loved by them... possibly even fears sometimes... but at home, I'm just a stupid mom who says something, then says it again a few minutes later, then starts screaming that nobody is listening to me, then a full on temper tantrum. And I'm not the only parent around either. My 'husband' is sitting either in front of the tv or the computer because his extremely physically demanding job and long commute render him completely useless once he gets home. So there I am, trying to get dinner made, which is always a chore because I'm no mind reader and my 'husband' has certain expectations of what is going to be made for dinner, how it is prepared, when it is cooked and if it is grilled or baked, or fried... So picky in fact that I learned early on to just burn the damn food and be done with trying to please. Now it's gotten so bad that when we go shopping, he picks out all the meat, decides right there what he wants to eat for the week and has an idea of sides and how he wants to prepare it... none of which he readily shares with me, and if he does share the ideas with me, I often forget them because I have other things constantly fighting for my attention.
So here we are, August 22, 2012, a notice was placed on our door for us to either pay the full amount of rent that is due to get us current of get the fuck out with in 3 days. The full amount is $2,299. That isn't even including the water bill. Xcel came by today to turn the power off, which is at $425.75 with only 340.05 due right now, and we have not had gas for about 2 weeks. Internet and home phone bill was due yesterday at 148.59 which I was able to talk into keeping on until next week when it will inevitably be shut off.
Those are the bills. We spend about 400 every two weeks on food. Gas getting to work and back and around town is roughly between 20-40$ to fill up every 3 days.
How is it, that we can not pay any bill on time, nor make a payment, nor keep a payment arrangement to keep from getting shut off? He makes all the money because we have one child who stays at home with me, while I watch his youngest sister's child while she goes to work. for free.
We both got jobs at the same time, mine wasn't supposed to start until the 20th of Aug... Had I had childcare arrangements and a car to get to and from work by 7:45am for the next 2 months, I wouldn't be in this position, but I didn't have childcare nor do I have a car. I can't help but feel frustrated that when (before kids) I had my own place I was working and paying rent and making a car payment and insurance, and still had money left over to eat and drink for fun. Now that I am a 'responsible' adult with chidren who depend on me, and a husband who works a back breaking job to make $35/hr roughly 800$ per week.. yep, per week.. no real excuse as to why not one bill can be paid in full when it is due but instead it is forgotten about, no money doned upon it so that it doesn't reach unsurmountable proportions...
I've tried getting at home jobs, but since he over drew my bank account that I had maintained with no problems for the past 3 years, then refused to pay off resulting in an outrageous overdraft fee totalling over 400$... I am unable to get a new bank account.
I tried convincing him that I should be in control of the money, and at one point he said sure, but me giving him $100 a week was not enough spending money for him,
Me, I'm an artist, got my degree so I could do freelance work from home... nope.. the market for that is so demanding and I have such a small portfolio that no one wants to give me any work. So I work seasonal jobs, where I can work after he gets home.. I ride the bus or walk, sometimes ride a bike when the tires are full... and it's good.. not so stressful. But this last month, no work, no money, everything is due.. and no money for anyone. Now I have to figure out how I am going to keep my child clean with no hot water, wash dishes and cloths with no hot water, and maintain my sanity with 2 four year olds who are growing and hungry.
I hear these ads on the radio.. no child should be made to go hungry.. yet
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